Living Together or Marriage – Assume Love

Living together can feel simpler and safer than marriage, especially if you’ve watched your parent’s marriage come to an unhappy end. But is it? Living together means you are free to leave. You are free to leave if either of you is seriously injured or is diagnosed with a life-altering disease. But so is your […]

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Living Together or Marriage – Assume Love

Living together can feel simpler and safer than marriage, especially if you’ve watched your parent’s marriage come to an unhappy end. But is it? Living together means you are free to leave. You are free to leave if either of you is seriously injured or is diagnosed with a life-altering disease. But so is your […]

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Living Together or Marriage – Assume Love

Living together can feel simpler and safer than marriage, especially if you’ve watched your parent’s marriage come to an unhappy end. But is it? Living together means you are free to leave. You are free to leave if either of you is seriously injured or is diagnosed with a life-altering disease. But so is your […]

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Two New Emotional Abuse Books – Assume Love

I recently read two recently published books about marital abuse, especially emotional abuse, and I recommend both of them. Unlike the many written by psychologists and marriage therapists, these are both written by women who have suffered such abuse. I have previously met the authors of both books, although not while they were enduring the […]

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Making Excuses – Assume Love

“It just struck me that hypothesizing about possible reasons for a spouse’s behavior could be seen by friends and other bystanders as making excuses for the spouse.” This is from a frequent Assume Love commenter, and I am thrilled she asked me to reply. Our purpose when we Assume Love and look again at why […]

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You Can’t Win – Assume Love

When you’re in a marriage, you cannot ever win a fight with your husband or wife by shouting louder, being tricky, offering more rational explanations of your side, or marshaling friends and relatives to agree with your point of view. You cannot win by causing the person you married to lose. The only way to […]

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Beware What You Share – Assume Love

If your otherwise loving marriage has been a bit disappointing lately, try this: share wishes, not complaints. A wish is an opportunity for your spouse to earn that delicious feeling of acting lovingly, knowing it will be received well. You get no guarantee that they’ll notice the opportunity or act on it, because you might […]

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Overwhelm – Assume Love

A good life includes frequent periods of what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls flow. One goal. Each step just slightly more than you were capable of yesterday. No awareness of time or even emotions. No distraction from other goals. Just you, fully engaged in art, music, sport, sex, troubleshooting, analyzing, creating. Overwhelm happens when the goal requires […]

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Why Are You Married? – Assume Love

There are many reasons to marry. Beware of scope creep. I need to remind myself sometimes that I married for love, not for a better place to live or help paying the bills or higher status or more sex. I didn’t need or want citizenship in another country. I didn’t want another child. I love […]

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Trial Balloon Failure – Assume Love

I was reminded again last week about something a client taught me long ago. Some of us make our decisions out loud. Others don’t speak until they have a decision to announce. And boy do we confuse each other! For those who make up their minds in private, a comment like, “I’m thinking about taking […]

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Anniversary Gifts – Assume Love

June brings lots of anniversaries. If you’re wondering how to let your husband or wife feel your love, I want to help. Q. If I take my wife away for a just-us weekend, do I also need an anniversary gift? A. Etiquette does not apply to a marriage. Neither does the opinion of any other […]

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Earning Respect – Assume Love

Respect is just as important as love for a healthy marriage, and maybe even more important. Contempt (the opposite of respect, reflected in eye-rolling, a wrinkled nose, or a “yeah, right”) is a clear sign your marriage is in trouble, according to John Gottman, one of the best-known relationship researchers. When Jennifer R. Frei and […]

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Money: What Are You Protecting?

I read a lot of relationship and marriage newsletters, columns, and blogs. Money issues come up a lot in them. The advice givers fall into two camps. I wish we had research results on which strategy pays off best in the long run for the most people. Which one is yours? Camp #1: Protect divorced […]

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Marriage Basics – Assume Love

I thought today I might review some of the well-established basics for a healthy marriage. 1. No Terrorism Never, ever cause your spouse physical harm or fear to get your way. No choking, shooting, hitting, punching, pinching, imprisonment, abandonment, or destitution. And no threats of any of these, either. Everyone deserves to feel safe in […]

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Before You Divorce – Assume Love

I’m not sure why this never occurred to me when I was contemplating a divorce, so maybe it hasn’t occurred to you, either. If something’s missing in your marriage—romance, conversation, encouragement, quality time together, children, pleasant surprises, shared interests, help with errands or chores, physical touch, compliments, whatever—give some thought to this. How will get […]

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Two New Emotional Abuse Books – Assume Love

I recently read two recently published books about marital abuse, especially emotional abuse, and I recommend both of them. Unlike the many written by psychologists and marriage therapists, these are both written by women who have suffered such abuse. I have previously met the authors of both books, although not while they were enduring the […]

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