Category: Relationship

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I’m sure you have heard of Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages. Lots of us have read the book. Others have learned the languages from magazine articles or workshops.If you and your husband or wife share a Love Language, it’s easy to show your love for each other. For the rest of us, there is a […]

Living together can feel simpler and safer than marriage, especially if you’ve watched your parent’s marriage come to an unhappy end. But is it? Living together means you are free to leave. You are free to leave if either of you is seriously injured or is diagnosed with a life-altering disease. But so is your […]

When one of you is laid off or seriously ill or grieving a parent’s recent death, both of you get stressed. So does your relationship. Choose carefully how to deal with each other. The last thing you need right now is to do a kindness for the other that gets rejected or sneered at. If […]

Living together can feel simpler and safer than marriage, especially if you’ve watched your parent’s marriage come to an unhappy end. But is it? Living together means you are free to leave. You are free to leave if either of you is seriously injured or is diagnosed with a life-altering disease. But so is your […]

Living together can feel simpler and safer than marriage, especially if you’ve watched your parent’s marriage come to an unhappy end. But is it? Living together means you are free to leave. You are free to leave if either of you is seriously injured or is diagnosed with a life-altering disease. But so is your […]

I’m sure you have heard of Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages. Lots of us have read the book. Others have learned the languages from magazine articles or workshops.If you and your husband or wife share a Love Language, it’s easy to show your love for each other. For the rest of us, there is a […]

When I get into the car with my husband, I am often frightened. And I know I am not alone. One of the most frequent complaints I hear from women is that they don’t always feel safe riding in a car driven by their husband. And from men, a big complaint is that their wife […]

When I get into the car with my husband, I am often frightened. And I know I am not alone. One of the most frequent complaints I hear from women is that they don’t always feel safe riding in a car driven by their husband. And from men, a big complaint is that their wife […]

From a recent comment on What Should You Expect from a Husband or Wife?: I do try to assume love, but what do you do when your husband’s idea of “helping” is only doing what he feels like doing? I wind up spending hours and hours on housework, cooking, laundry, etc. Plus working full time. […]

I recently read two recently published books about marital abuse, especially emotional abuse, and I recommend both of them. Unlike the many written by psychologists and marriage therapists, these are both written by women who have suffered such abuse. I have previously met the authors of both books, although not while they were enduring the […]

Do you have a brother-in-law or sister-in-law you can count on? How about a sibling of your mother-in-law? Thank your marriage. Do you have big, warm holiday dinners with your extended family? Thank your marriage. Or your parents’ marriage. Or your siblings’ marriages. Marriage ties the knots in the net that protects us when we […]

This is actually a great combo! Put it to good use. Revitalizing your relationship will take some effort. So would building a new life as a divorced person if you choose not to make that effort. Consider yourself lucky: you’re already doing all the chores, just like a divorced person must. You won’t be one […]

“It just struck me that hypothesizing about possible reasons for a spouse’s behavior could be seen by friends and other bystanders as making excuses for the spouse.” This is from a frequent Assume Love commenter, and I am thrilled she asked me to reply. Our purpose when we Assume Love and look again at why […]

Not all married couples celebrate Valentine’s Day. If you’re in one that does, or if your wife or husband could use a little boost, here are some tips. Don’t assume your spouse enjoys what anyone else does. Pay attention to what he or she gives you on this love-remembrance day and what melts his or […]

The best way to handle a disagreement is to avoid it. If your spouse steals the covers or if you tend to move around a lot in your sleep: Put one bottom sheet on the bed. Put two top sheets on, one on each half. Fold two large ones into rectangles or triangles, depending on […]

When you’re in a marriage, you cannot ever win a fight with your husband or wife by shouting louder, being tricky, offering more rational explanations of your side, or marshaling friends and relatives to agree with your point of view. You cannot win by causing the person you married to lose. The only way to […]

I’m sure you have heard of Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages. Lots of us have read the book. Others have learned the languages from magazine articles or workshops.If you and your husband or wife share a Love Language, it’s easy to show your love for each other. For the rest of us, there is a […]

If your otherwise loving marriage has been a bit disappointing lately, try this: share wishes, not complaints. A wish is an opportunity for your spouse to earn that delicious feeling of acting lovingly, knowing it will be received well. You get no guarantee that they’ll notice the opportunity or act on it, because you might […]

I’m sure you have heard of Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages. Lots of us have read the book. Others have learned the languages from magazine articles or workshops.If you and your husband or wife share a Love Language, it’s easy to show your love for each other. For the rest of us, there is a […]

A good life includes frequent periods of what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls flow. One goal. Each step just slightly more than you were capable of yesterday. No awareness of time or even emotions. No distraction from other goals. Just you, fully engaged in art, music, sport, sex, troubleshooting, analyzing, creating. Overwhelm happens when the goal requires […]

There are many reasons to marry. Beware of scope creep. I need to remind myself sometimes that I married for love, not for a better place to live or help paying the bills or higher status or more sex. I didn’t need or want citizenship in another country. I didn’t want another child. I love […]

My first husband and I did this entirely by accident, and now I highly recommend it, even though he did not survive to enjoy the date, and I am happily remarried to someone very different. Who will celebrate with you? It’s likely your parents and perhaps even some of your siblings and friends will be […]

S Snarky comments about your wife or husband never make a marriage happier or stronger…not even if you share them only with your friends. AssumeLove.com – celebrating our 18th anniversary today. Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

When you married, your spouse seemed perfect. Since then, you’ve discovered an upsetting habit. Or she’s given up vegan for keto. Or he’s stopped exercising and put on 60 pounds. Maybe Mr. Chill loses his cool when job stress goes up. Or perimenopause has messed with her libido. Or perhaps (really?) you married thinking, “That’s […]

I was reminded again last week about something a client taught me long ago. Some of us make our decisions out loud. Others don’t speak until they have a decision to announce. And boy do we confuse each other! For those who make up their minds in private, a comment like, “I’m thinking about taking […]

Tunnel vision is like looking through an empty paper towel roll. You still see things, but you don’t see all of your options. And it will sneak up on you. In my first marriage, I wanted to take ballroom dance classes. We were young. We were invited to many weddings and other events. I bugged […]

June brings lots of anniversaries. If you’re wondering how to let your husband or wife feel your love, I want to help. Q. If I take my wife away for a just-us weekend, do I also need an anniversary gift? A. Etiquette does not apply to a marriage. Neither does the opinion of any other […]

Who put the government in charge of marriage? Why do we need a license to marry? Why do we need a judge to divorce? In the US and quite possibly every other country, the government decides who is married and who is not. And it really doesn’t care whether you love each other, only whether […]

Respect is just as important as love for a healthy marriage, and maybe even more important. Contempt (the opposite of respect, reflected in eye-rolling, a wrinkled nose, or a “yeah, right”) is a clear sign your marriage is in trouble, according to John Gottman, one of the best-known relationship researchers. When Jennifer R. Frei and […]

I received an interesting comment on my When Your Spouse Won’t Use Your Love Language post. So one spouse should just accept that their spouse is so self absorbed and narcissistic that they won’t treat them, they are supposedly in love with, the way they need to be treated. Oh, and don’t treat your spouse […]

I read a lot of relationship and marriage newsletters, columns, and blogs. Money issues come up a lot in them. The advice givers fall into two camps. I wish we had research results on which strategy pays off best in the long run for the most people. Which one is yours? Camp #1: Protect divorced […]

I thought today I might review some of the well-established basics for a healthy marriage. 1. No Terrorism Never, ever cause your spouse physical harm or fear to get your way. No choking, shooting, hitting, punching, pinching, imprisonment, abandonment, or destitution. And no threats of any of these, either. Everyone deserves to feel safe in […]

I’m not sure why this never occurred to me when I was contemplating a divorce, so maybe it hasn’t occurred to you, either. If something’s missing in your marriage—romance, conversation, encouragement, quality time together, children, pleasant surprises, shared interests, help with errands or chores, physical touch, compliments, whatever—give some thought to this. How will get […]

I recently read two recently published books about marital abuse, especially emotional abuse, and I recommend both of them. Unlike the many written by psychologists and marriage therapists, these are both written by women who have suffered such abuse. I have previously met the authors of both books, although not while they were enduring the […]